ON LIVING THE SINGLE LIFE

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
You are the guy who'll decide where to go."
- Dr. Seuss

When I was 27 a friend of mine insisted and persisted in getting me to see a psychic. To say that I was a skeptic is an understatement. Ron Hall, clinical psychologist and psychic (according to his business cards), balanced auras and read past-lives. Ahem! The philosopher in me has always made me say that I believe in the possibility of anything. After all, what do any of us really know with a certainty?

Well, I resisted Ron’s attempts to read me, and refused to give him any answers that might assist him, initially, but after a while he started to make sense. And the insights that he had were astonishing to this skeptic. One of the things that stayed in my mind was his frustration at not being able to convince me that I didn’t need a man in my life. That I had everything I needed right inside myself. That I had a balanced aura when it came to male and female energy. That I came into this life being equally strong in both so that I could use whichever one I needed as I needed it.

I didn’t like that he said that, or his frustration at my unwillingness to truly believe him. After all, I was raised to believe that I would probably get married and have a man take care of me, and whatever children we had, for the rest of my life. But that man never appeared. And there was not much in the way of role-models anywhere, except for maybe Mary Tyler Moore’s character Mary Richards, to show me the way.

We all spend a major part of our lives (unless we are a twin) alone. We are born alone and die alone. Being single is the lifestyle we all practice upon entering adulthood. Some of us marry, some do not, and there are some who enter religious life. At least these were the three vocational choices I was told about at 13 years of age. So, was Ron Hall telling me I was to live the single life?

When I was 25 my best friend was getting married and I was to be her maid of honor. They had everything ready. The hall, the church, and the apartment where we sat waiting for a furniture delivery. She was telling me of her fear as to whether or not she was doing the right thing. Typical pre-wedding jitters. I was offering my advice when she said, “Rose, I don’t want to end up like you; 25 and single. I’d rather be 25 and divorced.” Because having been married and divorced was better than having never been married at all, which was somehow viewed as failure. Divorce was proof that at least one person had wanted her once. No one had ever wanted me.

So, as my thirtieth year approached and no knight was on the horizon, I deemed myself a failure and a misfit. I hadn’t chosen to be single. I just ended up that way. I’m often asked why I never married, and all I can say is, no one ever asked.

"I'm single because I was born that way."
- Mae West

For most people being single is a state they pass through or end up at, but not one they choose. There are some people who choose to be single, but I think most of society view them as the exception rather than the rule, and additionally as being misfits or unfortunate souls. The unwritten assumption is that people are single by default. They either couldn’t get or lost a husband or a wife, or they just weren’t holy enough to join a religious community. Single people are either fiercely single and happy to be that way like a “confirmed bachelor” or a “career or liberated woman,” or they are woebegone and nerdy. Often, the latter are diagnosed as having intimacy problems. They are seen as the leftovers or the rejects, and inevitably, their sexuality is called into question. Were they heterosexual or homosexual or asexual? And if they are not sexually repressed they are considered partygirls or players, and either eligible or of questionable morality.

Mine was the generation who first had “the pill” at their disposal. And the feminist movement experienced a peak with Gloria Steinem and Betty Friedan. But there was also Helen Gurley Brown with Sex and the Single Girl and Cosmo, heralding the sexual revolution. Playboy published Playgirl, and Penthouse published Viva.

I went from an all girls catholic high school to a Women’s Catholic College, Marymount Manhattan. In freshman year I wore tailored dresses and low heels, and took a required course called “Hostess Problems.” By senior year I was dressed in a kaki colored bush jacket with a black armband, bell-bottomed jeans with frayed cuffs, and sandals, and participated in the student strike that occurred after the Kent State shootings.

I was one of the last virgins in my graduating class. After all, I was raised as a good italian catholic girl.

As a liberated woman I decided to find my career. My first venture was to become “Junior Ms. Executive” at Dry Dock Savings Bank. Shortly after my promotion to Assistant Manager, I moved into my first apartment. A little studio about 4 blocks from my mother’s house. I was 25 and moving up nicely in my career, but according to my best friend, a failure as far as men were concerned. So far, the only men I’d dated were pretty up front about only wanting sex. No romance. Just sex. I wanted more than “just sex.”

In the bible, God decided to create woman because “It was not good for man to be alone.” Human nature entails relationship. Babies who are never held or caressed will ultimately die. Yearning is a part of the human condition.

As a catholic I had a problem with the teaching that told me that this God-given gift for participating in creation through an act of love, this yearning, this survival instinct was intrinsically evil. That desires of the flesh were sinful. It seemed a contradiction to me. If God made me, then wasn’t I “good”? Oops, I forgot about original sin.

Being single is not synonymous with being alone. Because you’re single, you have more time to spend with your friends. And friendships become very deep and intense. Women, whether married or single, need female friends, girlfriends, confidantes. They keep you grounded and make you know you’re loved. And they have your back if you have troubles. They’ll listen to you at 2 in the morning, crying over the latest heartache. They’ll go shopping with you and help you re-create yourself, yet another time.

I’ve been very fortunate in the wonderful girlfriends I have had in this life. I’ve been a maid of honor for two of them. And had one as a roommate when I was in my thirties. Mary Richards had her Rhoda, and Lucy had her Ethel. Sherry and I had each other. We got along wonderfully. We thoroughly enjoyed talking. We never tired of it. And we enjoyed listening to each other as well. Sherry had come from California when she was 18 to New York City to seek a possible life upon the wicked stage! Her second career choice was to become the first woman to sit on the Supreme Court. But it didn’t take as long as we thought it would for woman to be recognized. None the less, she did become an attorney - presently a child advocate in the NYC Family Court System. We enjoyed traveling together, and spent most of our vacations together, even after we got an apartment together. We had tremendous love and affection for each other, and often remarked that it was a shame one of us wasn’t a man, since we got along better than most of the married couples we knew. But that really is because we were both, as Doctor Grey said, Venutians. Girlfriends are special relationships.

Sometimes that girlfriend is a boyfriend who’s gay! I have several very dear friends who are homosexuals. And two others who were early victims of AIDS.

And to round out the picture, I also have several heterosexual male friends with whom I have a sometime flirtatious, and other times platonic or brotherly/sisterly relationship. A couple of them are married, and I am friends with both husband and wife. And, yes, there are a few who are single.

The sexual revolution brought everything out of the closet, and raised society’s consciousness about many things that were formerly considered taboo. The hippies believed in “free love” and exploring alternate relationships. It was acceptable to be experimental. So the morals of the early 20th Century were called into question during the second half. And being single gets you caught in the middle of it all. Choices, choices, choices.

The sexual revolution came to a screeching halt with the arrival of HIV/AIDS. But it was only a temporary screech.

By the time I was 33 I had left banking and found teaching. And started to develop my voice. So, my “career vocation” was settled, and my creativity stoked. And although I had many friends and colleagues, I still kept my eyes opened for Mr. Right. But he seemed to be a.w.o.l.

So, I was reluctantly single. At the end of the day, my religion had taught me that this lifestyle was a vocation. And I was expected to be chaste, prayerful, and of service to others. But I still longed for that special intimate relationship.

“You can’t always get what you want...
But you just might find, you get what you need.”
- Mick Jagger

My desire not to be alone was satisfied by my relationship with Sherry. But in the end neither of us was a man. And the men I dated were either looking for another notch on their belts, or cheated on me. I am very familiar with heartache.

I’ve been emotionally involved in triangles, and learned that everyone gets hurt, whether you are Arthur or Guineviere or Lancelot. There was no guidance or wisdom as to what you do with all those feelings, but prayer. ... so is that empowerment or restriction?

"Being single is pretty good. It's a nice sense of irresponsibility."
- Michael Douglas

I should, of course, mention here that I truly can only give you my reflections on the single life from my perspective as a woman.

"I think, therefore I'm single."
- Liz Winston

"I don't need a man to rectify my existence. The most profound relationship we'll ever have is the one with ourselves."
- Shirley MacLaine

For me, being single was not a nice sense of irresponsibility. I was a caregiver. And so when my sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer I agreed to take care of my niece. At the same time as my sister was dying my mother was suffering from heart failure brought on by a series of strokes. And my youngest brother and his wife were diagnosed with HIV/AIDS. So, I spent alot of time running from house to house, helping where and when I could.

By the time I was 41 my sister and mother had both passed away. My niece had gone to live with her brother and my best friend had moved on with her life. I was, for the first time truly alone, and glaringly single.

So, there I was. Alone in my little house. I enjoyed my solitude and peace of mind. I tended my pool in the backyard, and read mystery novels as I lay out in the sun working on my tan, recuperating. But I was lonely.

“But then along came Bill...”
-Jerome Kern

Being single does leave you with time on your hands. And because of that you are free to do things that others do not have the time to do; such as assist an ailing relative, or direct a theater group, or run an afterschool program, or volunteer at a soup kitchen. But you still need to reserve time that is just for you. You need that still and quiet time to pause and reflect and recharge your battery. Time to realize what you’ve learned and how you’ve grown through all the experiences. We grow in our leisure time because that’s when we have the time to pause and reflect.

But sometimes life throws you an opportunity to get to know and spend that newly found leisure time with another. And what you both bring to the table is life-giving to the other. But there is no desire or intention of creating a family or building a life together. You each have a life already well under way. But you each have that very human need for intimacy. And it is a spiritual marriage of sorts, but it is not a marriage in the traditional sense. And it is neither legalized or sacramentalized. But it has integrity. That is the part of the single life that there is nothing written about, and certainly no role-models when it comes to the saints.

As a teacher, this is hard to teach or express to teenagers. There is no comparison between the choices that one makes as an adult and what choices my 13 year old students will make. As a teacher I always took the conservative view when it came to the topic of Human Sexuality.

I always said to my students, we are not just bodies walking around. We have minds, emotions, psyches, and souls as well. Healthy relationships are balanced. When one part of us is not involved, we are out of balance, and so, there will always be problems in the relationship.

"You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose."
- Jo Courdert

The hardest part of the call, if indeed there is one, to the single-life is to accept yourself, and get to know yourself.
To accept the fact that your life will be an untraditional one. And that most people will not understand it. And that even though you do not build a family with your significant other(s), and there are long stretches of lonely time, you are a member of many extended families. And that’s pretty nice.

We still have needs for companionship and intimacy. They just come in different forms. And through many people instead of one.

"You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and you will not find that person anywhere."
- Unknown